THERE IS NO FUCKING IN THIS POEM¹
Krycek should be pushing Bruce Willis off the top of a building but instead he’s getting his arm cut off somewhere in Russia. Is the Cancer Man still alive? He got shot through his window but then there were credits right after so how the fuck do I know. A song goes I hate feeling this way and Krycek is trying to snap to the beat but he can only snap with his right hand because his left hand is buried next to a tree and he can’t snap too well with his right hand so it’s really awkward. The last time I thought about true love, Fox Mulder almost kissed Dana Scully and Dana Scully was going to let him but then the real Fox Mulder broke through Dana Scully’s door because the Fox Mulder that was going to kiss Dana Scully wasn’t the real Fox Mulder but some guy who can change his shape. The guy who can change his shape was like You are one handsome man and then he chained Fox Mulder in some basement, stole his face, and started putting the moves on Dana Scully. Goddamn, I am so tired of the monotony of monogamy.
¹ You should totally still read it though.
LEVEL 4 CLEARANCE
Nobody on the X-Files laughs. Someone smiled on camera once and they got kicked the fuck off the show. Be more morose Chris Carter says. We’re being important. It’s only December but I decide I’m going as Fox Mulder next Halloween because I look good in a suit anyway. Fox Mulder is always walking out of Men’s Wearhouse carrying a bag with the name Men’s Wearhouse on it. It is a Thursday but his suit looks like a Sunday. He is always thinking about his next haircut, the part of his forehead that sees the sun the least. Cancer Man is smoking his brain into his skull. He’s shooting an alien because that’s what people called the Cancer Man do. He’s talking to this guy with a really high hairline, and he’s like We’ve made every important decision in this country but I can’t get a fucking story published in a magazine. Today I have to go to therapy but fuck therapy, Scully’s cancer has metastasized. She can’t stop bleeding from the nose. She’s so pale she’s only 86% attractive. Scully’s brother tells Mulder This is all your fault. Mulder looks so sad carrying a Men’s Wearhouse bag. Late at night his teeth cry into Scully’s arm. I am quietly stoned but not so quietly saying it. It’s not until the fifth season that I realize Dana Scully has the same facial structure as the first girl I’ve ever loved. I think about calling the first girl I ever loved but she changed her number when she got engaged to the guy who always smells like motor oil.
You are an alien but you don’t think it’s weird being an alien because you’ve been an alien your whole life. I think That’s a long time being an alien and you nod your head that looks like a plastic bag filled with mashed potatoes because you know what I’m thinking because you’re an alien. Between takes, Fox Mulder rolls his own cigarettes. He talks behind sunglasses. He’s like It was really cool when I shot that guy’s face off and then faked my own death to save Dana’s life. I tell Mulder I really liked you in that dramedy you made with Minnie Driver. I’m wearing a T-shirt that says I am every lone gunman with my shirt off. Dana Scully is like All lies lead to the truths but no one is paying attention to what Dana Scully is saying because she looks like Dana Scully. Instead I think of Damascus. I think of crosses lined with crosses lined with people who are lined on crosses. Some girl in all black says No matter how paranoid you are, you’re not paranoid enough. I’m like Hold on, let me take some Adderall and then say that to me again.